THE LONG LIST OF HILARIOUS & FUNNY FACEBOOK STATUSES

• If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.
• Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube!!
• ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ.
• ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ.
• Sometimes, Late at night.. I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
• trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.
• Insert coin to view my status message.
• remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruits.
• my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
• Dear Santa, let me explain…
• ̿̿̿ ̿’ ̿’̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/’̿’̿ ̿ this is a stick-up… give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!
• in your garden, peeing on your tomatoes…
• When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?.
• *** is the girl next door…if you live next door to a whore house.
• What is fat, ginger and pregnant? Nothing..
• slept like a baby last night…. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.
• Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
• WARNING: Objects in mirror are fatter than they appear.
• ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ Price: $7.95
• My wife said I’m too immature and if I don’t grow up it’s going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.
• If guys had periods, they’d brag about the size of their tampons.
• 43% of all statistics are made up on the spot!
• Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
• Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.
• _̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡̡̡ ̡ ̴̡ı̴̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡
• if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP
• scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.
• Cut here —————–✄———————-
• People who write diet books live off the fat of the land.
• Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
• Best Friends Listen to what you dont say.
• Just wanted to let you know that you are my BFBFF… Best Facebook Friend Forever..ahhh
• Cop pulls man over for suspicion of drunk driving. Cop: Sir have you been drinking? Man: No. Cop: Papers. Man: Scissors, I win!
• Seeing a spider is nothing. It becomes a problem when it disappears.
• Dear Warner Bros: Now that I’m an adult, I feel I’m am old enough to hear what the “Beep Beep” is hiding when Road Runner talks to Wile E. Coyote.
• Congratulations!! You are the 100th person to view my status. To see your prize please click Control + W.
• Why is it when you run into a spider web, you suddenly turn into a ninja?
• Would like to congratulate my parents on having such an awesome daughter-well done! :P
• Welcome to the real Internet, where the men are men, the women are men, and the children are the FBI.
• Good girls go to Heaven, bad girls make you FEEL like you’re in Heaven!
• So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
• Just farted and it froze.  Damn it’s coooold!
• knows it’s cold when chickens are running to KFC to use the deep fryer.
• knows it’s cold when he sees the squirrels throwing themselves against the electric fence.
• had to punch a hole in the air to get outside…
• feels like getting some work done…and so he is sitting down until the feeling passes.
• I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I’m good at everything.
• is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube… This could take a while…
• is cle’a]ni.ng he’r ke]yb29oa;rd.
• hey, what color is blue?
• thinks that if your relationship status says, “It’s complicated” that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to “Single”.
• You miss 100 percent of the shots u don’t take.
• Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
• I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.
• Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
• I guess if you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless, huh?
• X thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!
• Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!
• press the star below and watch it glow 101 Hilarious Funny Facebook Status Updates
• ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ click star then up arrow to left to reveal status.
• I thinks my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet.
• If at first you try and don’t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
• It’s a mistake to think you can solve any major problems just with potatoes, Now, potatoes and duct tape and you may have a chance.
• Don’t knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn’t start a conversation if it didn’t change once in a while..
• Sometimes when you make an omelet you’ve gotta break a few eggs. What’s the alternative? No omelets at all. Who wants to live in that kind of world?
• Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.
• X is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m awesome..
• Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
• I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos.
• X just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.
• X believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.
• Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
• oh I’m sorry! i didn’t realise you were giving me a dirty look…i just thought you were ugly like that all the time!!
• wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT.
• X says don’t look at me in that tone of voice.
• Is anyone going to put anything funny on here?????
• If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
• eat eat and eat….but don’t eat my brain.
• I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
• All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that’s their own fault.
• too cool for school.
• trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.
• –^v–^v–^v–^v-_____^v–^v–^v– For a second there, I was bored to death.
• forcing my dog to learn how to google.
• kissing a girl and may or may not be liking it.
• Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy”
• X is Loading ████████████ 99%
• Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
• U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish cant Drown.
• X went to the book store earlier to buy a ‘Where’s Wally’ book. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.
• Hi, my name is Damimeve. The ‘mime’ is silent.
• I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares.
• In an interview, “I can multitask housework with facebook!”
• X is coloring on your wall! ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>
• never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
• a day late and a dollar short.
• We have so much in common. You want to travel,I want you to go.
• seen pictures of you naked on the internet.
• If money grew on trees, girls would be dating monkeys!
• If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.
• I don`t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
• Hey, I found your Nose, it was in my business again.
• Never Say Neverrr, you just said it twice ?
• If bar tenders aren’t allowed to sell alcohol to drunk people, then McDonald’s shouldn’t be allowed to sell food to fat people.
• My friend has just updated his status saying: Is balancing on the edge of a cliff.. So i poked him.
• thinks that facebook should change the status question from “what’s on your mind?” to “what’s your problem today?”
• Aah..that awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and you end up walking in the same direction.
• Why do you talk so fast?” “Why do you listen so slow?”
• I don`t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
• Hey, I found your Nose, it was in my business again.
• Good morning…I see the assassins have failed…
• is cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time.
• Be nice to nerds, Chances are you will be working for them.
• is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf’s a minute..
• just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.
• People reckon I’m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they’re stupid).
• Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?
• I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
• What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it?… Next week.
• Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren’t happy.
• Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
• TEIAM – problem solved.
• went to the book store earlier to buy a ‘Where’s Wally’ book. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played..
• some days you just don’t have enough middle fingers..
• Never Say Neverrr, you just said it twice ?
• If I could re-arrange the alphabet I would put U and I together.
• Never forgets a face..but in your case I’ll make an exception!
• Dreams of a better world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.
• Never make eye contact while eating a banana..
• You’re not an ugly person. You’re an exceptionally beautiful monkey.
• Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize that you`re wrong.
• Look up.. I’m standing behind you….
• Yeah, I only remember my friends when I need them. But I need them all the time.
• Sometimes people have to cry out all their tears, to make room for a heart full of smiles.
• Does anybody know how can I send an enemy request on Facebook?
• You can`t face the problem if the problem is your face.
• Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
• Facebook needs a ‘get a life’ button.
• My karma ran over your dogma.
• I hate being bi-polar, its awesome!
• SMILE :) Your enemies will HATE it.
• ▂ ▃ ▅ ▆ █ PUMP UP THE VOLUME █ ▆ ▅ ▃ ▂
• ☺•°o.O ~I AM NOT DRINK!!~ O.o°•☺
• ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(×̯×)۶ –BIPOLAR AND PROUD!– ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(×̯×)۶